MOVING DAY...Chapter 6

**Ever experience something that has rented space within? It could be a person, place or thing...Personally, I have had so many experiences with people, that left me saying to myself. “Only a selective few on this planet, will in their own way, experience something like that.” My motivation, to experience things that many can’t even begin to imagine, what it must be like. That lifestyle is expensive, no refunds, every sale is final...Your life.**

I had staggered a great distance, leaving the festival grounds far behind, traffic was a gong show. I sneered at the vehicles, that idled, in the mercy of small town traffic lights. Land marks that I adopted as my own, were non existent, I could not make any sense of my surroundings. I grew concerned, I was staggering all over the place, I feared the local police picking me up. It would not matter if I had an alias, I was intoxicated in a public place.

I stopped a young couple who were exiting their vehicle. “Excuse me! Sorry to bother you...” I pointed down the road. “Water slides...How much further?” Hoping for a reassuring answer.

The couple looked at each other, they may as well have flipped a coin, deciding who would bare the news. She scrunched her nose and gave him the right away. “Ahhh...Yeah! Water Slides! ...” He turned facing the opposite direction. “I’m sorry man! ...You are a long way off...It’s in that direction...I am guessing you have a ten kilometer walk ahead of you.” They wished me luck and retreated to their home.

Apparently, while in the festival grounds, running stage to stage, I had gotten turned around. I had also lost my camp mates while seated on the grass, listening to City and Color. Being my first time at the festival, I really had no clue, I exited on the end furthest from our campsite. I was heading towards Golden, where I had camped the night before. Normally, this wouldn’t faze me, I would shrug it off and move on. The thing was, I was staggering, the more I tried not to; the worse it got. So bad, I staggered off the side walk onto the road. To avoid being hit by oncoming traffic, I stood still, letting them pass before starting again. I was semi relieved to enter the festival grounds again, I was not the only one staggering about, I blended in quite nicely.

I came across some boys from the province of Quebec, they sat against the chain linked fence, beating on bongo drums. They were awesome! I stood there grooving to their rhythm, I began to dance again, we fed off each others energy. I found, while consumed by a beat, I am stagger free. I had asked my new friends. “Brothers! Brothers! I gotta make tracks that way...Here’s fifty bucks! Play loud enough so I can hear you down there!” I pointed down the road, there were three police cars parked, one officer directed traffic.

Their eyes lit up at the sight of money, guy with the dread locks and colorful toque jumped up. “Wow! We appreciate dis! It will elp!” I don’t understand why French people cannot pronounce their “H’s” Anyway! He reached for my hand to shake it.

I laughed. “It’s only money brother! ..But hey! ..Play loud enough so I can hear you down there...I need to hear this beat to keep me from staggering.” I laughed, realizing how crazy I sounded.

Still hanging onto my hand, he agreed and was happy to help. “You got it brother! We play for you!” He sat beside his buddy and said something in French.

They busted out with a killer beat, I was feeling it, I started to walk down the street, almost dancing. I was no longer all over the sidewalk and road. When I approached the police officers, still grooving, I yelled over to them. “Good evening officers! Have yourself a good night!” I waved and gave them a nod. They returned my greeting and waved back. I did it, I was on my way...With the bongo guys out of site, I could no longer hear them play. Wouldn’t you know it, I started to stagger all over again! It seemed to have gotten worse, I had to keep looking over my shoulder, hoping it wouldn’t be the police.

I had approached a man who was leaning up against the fence, he asked me. “Hey! Do you have a cigarette? I seemed to have finished mine or lost them. I’ll give you a couple bucks.” He reached to hand me change.

I shook my head and replied. “Keep your money brother!” I reached for my cigarettes and handed him three. “For the road...I know how it is.” I lit his smoke, I noticed he was in bad shape also.

From there, we walked together, staggering into each other, which helped! We prevented each other from staggering way out of control. It was hilarious! We laughed the whole way, until, he had to walk in another direction at the next set of lights. We wished each other good luck and off we went. For me it got worse, where there was grass, was now big rocks encased in cement. I actually said out loud. “Are you frikn kiddin me?!” I knew very well, if I stepped into that mess, I would injure myself, the police and ambulance would be involved. I stood there swaying like a pendulum, I did not want to chance it, I had to, there was no other way. Just as I thought, as hard as I tried not to, I staggered onto that grid of terror. Only, it was not as bad as I thought, I managed to not trip and leave my teeth and blood behind.

After a couple more kilometers, there it was, THE WATER SLIDES! I was home! I was so happy! I could now stagger all I wanted, I was safe! I found my camp mates unconscious, I tried to fire them up, as I continued to drink. There I sat, relishing in an after glow, drinking the remaining beers from my cooler. Like I had done before, I retired to my tent at daylight.

I would be awoken by Chico. “Hey! What a beautiful day! How are you gorgeous?!” Then a snap from a can of beer being opened. I could hear him gulping down that frothy cold beverage.

I yelled from my tent. “Hey Chico! You have one of those bad boys for me?!” I rolled around my tent, checking to see if there was any blood...None.

I could hear Chico fishing through the ice cubes. “Ahhh!!” He stumbled over to my tent door. “This one has your name on it...K..I..N..G.” He bowed at my tent door, handing me an open beer. “Your highness!” He reached for my other hand, pulling me out of the tent. “Come join the world!”

It was Monday, we both didn’t have to work, the day was ours. Chico had suggested that we take our time and stop along the beaches on the way to Kamloops. That is what we did, we enjoyed each others company, only, we knew somewhere down the road, we would also go separate ways. I used that time to figure out my next move, after finding my cellphone inside one of my shoes! I was in a panic! I thought my best-friend had taken my cellphone with her. I felt so stranded, I didn’t know anybodies phone numbers, all I had, my over stuffed back pack. As a prank, she hid it in my shoes, personally, I think she didn’t want me texting other women. I started to text everybody on my contact list, asking what they were all up to. After chatting with everybody, I decided to stay at a friends camp ground, it belonged to her and her husband. A business that they had built together, I was stoked! I hadn’t seen her since the 1980’s. Plus! She had promised me a bottle of wine, that she had made herself...

That was the plan, until TNT texted me. “Hey stranger! What are you up to!?” Sending me a wink emoji.

I was so happy to hear from her! She was right, it had been awhile. “I am just outside of Kamloops sippin beers, hanging out on the beaches of the Shuswap Lake.” I sent her a cheers emoji.

Then I became excited, she texted back that she was living in Kamloops. I think her room mate created problems and now she had to move. I can’t recall the whole story, but I am certain, I suggested we turn it into a MOVING PARTY. She agreed, so we made plans to meet and then head to her place. Chico was relieved that I had a place to go, he wasn’t thrilled about leaving me without a place to go. In the meantime, we were kicked back on a sandy beach that disappeared under my favorite lake, the Shuswap. A beer buzz took its time, eating away at my hangover, our setting helped, it was hard to feel sick, when nothing but beauty surrounds you. I began to share with Chico, telling how TNT and I first met. TNT and I have a past, we continue to talk about it, when we see each other. I had pulled into town one summer, a group of gathered and started a party, it was all good until, all the women decided to leave for the bar. That left us guys alone at a house, can’t recall who’s. I recall answering a knock at the door. It was TNT and her group of girl friends.

I can still see that grin as she winked and asked. “Hey! When did you get into town?” She stepped aside inviting me outside to chat with her.

TNT and I sat in my vehicle chatting, as bad as it may sound, TNT made me forget everything, even my girl friend who was only a couple blocks away, at the local bar. I really should have asked them politely to go, seeing that our girls were due back at anytime.

My buddy who I grew up with, the one who came up with that receipt scam. Well, he walked up to me and excused us from the rest and asked. “Darren, what are you doing brother? The girls will be back anytime...” He had a look of concern, his girlfriend is best friends with mine.

I assured him, all was under control. “TNT knows where she stands, she’s cool, shes just having drinks with us...You’ll see...Its all good.” Just as we finished our conversation, our girls came back.

Well, there was tension, all through the night. I am trying to think of a movie, that I can compare this to, I’ve got nothing. I will say this, it was a bad scene and bad acting on my part...CUT! I was the director and should have prevented this scene from ever airing. I didn’t stop it, I let the whole scene play out. There are three scenes I wish I could edit out.

Scene one, seated on the couch, girlfriend on my right side, TNT on the left, both with hands on my lap. I had to leave, I locked myself in the bathroom, until my girlfriend came to the door. Scene two, we were all dancing, TNT began to twerk up against me. I didn’t stop her, I was caught up in the moment, so I continued to dance. Until somebody asked me where my girlfriend was, a deer caught in headlights, doesn't even begin to describe, the expression on my face. The last scene, I awoke in my truck, somebody in my arms, she had her leg wrapped around my waist. She had her head buried in my chest, her arms wrapped around me. I wont lie, it felt good, somebody in this world, wanted to be that close to me. Only, I was not a hundred percent sure who was in my arms...

She sensed my uncertainty, so she spoke. “Guess who.”

That is all I would need to hear, I fired up my truck and drove us away from there. We would eventually hang out at her relatives house, for the remainder of the weekend. I ordered us a bunch of take out food, we spooned on a couch, watching TV, letting time seal the bond between us. I didn’t want to be any other place but in those moments. So I thought...

Her relative answered the door, while the two of us slept in each others arms. He awoke me, by lightly tapping my shoulder and whispering. “Somebody is at the door for you.” He went back into his bedroom.

While I gathered myself, I tried to not awake her, also wondering who knows I am here. I stepped quietly to the door, only to be amazed, I could not believe she found me! She stood there smiling at me, she turned to her friend and said. “See, I knew he would be here.” She took my hand and pulled me behind her, like walking a dog, that’s exactly what I was, a bad dog.

She walked us to my truck, as we had climbed in, she turned to me and suggested.“Lets get out of town...Kamloops? My treat..I will get us a room.” She sat right up beside me, resting her head on my shoulders. “Lets go...Before she realizes you’re gone.” She looked up at me and gave me a fake smile.

Now, when TNT and I get together, she never lets me forget, that I left her at her relatives house, on that couch. She says she awoke the next day to find me gone, but, that’s not what she was most upset about, she had to hunt me down to get her purse. I didn’t even know that part, my girlfriend would later inform me.

Chico was in shock, he shook his empty can of beer, drops evaporated on the hot sand. “Pedro...I have just met you...I can’t see you behaving that way man! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!?” He playfully smacked the back of my head. “Come! Let’s ride!” He reached down and pealed me off the beach.

He was right, what is wrong with me? Why do I do the things I do? Or better yet, how do you fit three "Do's" in a question? I have been asked before...What scares me most about my drinking? That would be when I become detached from reality. When I start to believe, I am not responsible for any damages that may occur. Which explains, why bad things ALWAYS happen, when I put a bottle to my lips. Its no secret, people know this about me, something bad is going to happen. My siblings have drank much of their lives, they may have come home with a fat lip or black eye, nothing like the messes I get myself into!

I was baffled and distraught while laying in a hospital bed this OTHER time. Disappointed in myself, I asked my mom. “Why is it? How can my siblings drink all their lives and nothing bad ever happens to them? I don’t drink all the time...But when I do...All hell breaks loose....” I closed my eyes searching for an answer...Nothing.

Then mom had an answer that made perfect sense. “...Because you are not supposed to drink my son...You are supposed to be doing something else with your life...” She flicked my nose, the only part of my body that didn’t hurt.

Chico had dropped me off, we wished each other the best and then we were off. I made my way to the place were TNT and I were going to meet. When I set eyes on her, something had changed, she was now a mom. She had a little girl by her side, who wasn’t happy to see me at all. I found after arriving at her place, there were two more single mothers, I had entered the Single Mothers Club. I would be the only male, even the cat was female, my idea of a moving party, not what I envisioned. I had also envisioned, us recreating the magic we once shared. It didn’t happen, her daughter, became the driving wedge. Even late at night, when she should have been sleeping, she demanded her mom sleep with her. I don’t know how long I was there for, long enough, to realize that nothing was going to happen between us.

Until...Until this one night, her daughter stayed at a friends for the night. The other single mothers were also out, we had the place to ourselves, I even put the cat outside. We had created a nest in her living room, trying recreate the time we had before. Just as we got cozy, I looked into her eyes, I missed that look, I knew I meant a lot to her...That look disappeared, she tapped my shoulder, pointing behind me...I thought what now?!

Then I heard a voice from behind me, it was my relative, one of the single mothers, she quickly apologized. “Oh! I’m sorry! I didn’t know you two were still up...I am just getting some milk.” She hurried into the kitchen and then back to her room.

I looked at TNT and whispered. “I thought she was out...” I left a peck on her cheek.

A look of disappointment filled her eyes and she replied. “....Yeah...So did I.”

We excepted that nothing was going to happen, we laid there watching TV, not a word was spoken. Things have changed, it could never be what it once was. With much effort, it might have been better than before, under the circumstances, we were fooling ourselves. She had just been evicted, I had a death wish, these two negatives did not create a positive. One thing I noticed about TNT, she had grown up, she no longer drank like she once did. I found I was the one who hadn’t grown up, not much changed on my side of the street. OH! Except one thing, my body was not young and strong, like when we first met. It started again, blood started to seep out of me. I had to do laundry, constantly, I became self conscious, I wondered if anybody could smell, that I was dying slowly. I even sprayed my shorts, trying to mask the odor with her perfume. I wanted to isolate, hike somewhere and stay in my tent. I began to breathe in hot air again, I couldn’t drink or smoke anymore, I had become deathly sick again. I placed a heavy blanket over her window, I then fell into a coma, I would spend a week in her room. She insisted that I come out and eat, I ignored her and went back to sleep. The single mothers took turns bringing a plate of food to me. I would awake to find food on the night table beside the bed. I always seemed to awake as they were exiting the room. I was in good hands, I offered to help out, I gave her money to buy groceries or take out. As for my hangover, nothing worked, time was not curing my hangover. Each and everyday, was hell, I was experiencing these; migraine headaches, hot breathes, constant chills, constant sweats, nightmares, bleeding, diarrhea, vomiting, starvation, dehydration, nausea, panic attacks, hallucinations, heart tremors, and lastly, thoughts of suicide. Something was very wrong with me, I was not recovering, I accepted, I may feel like this till my last breath.

TNT quit serving me solids, she brought me a pitcher of water and soup. I had problems keeping this down as well, creating more concern. We tried everything, I even tried smoking marijuana, it hurt too much to inhale and exhale. We knew alcohol would be the only cure, it was like flipping a coin, fifty/fifty chance that I could feel better. I have done it before and felt awesome after, however, there were also back fires. I hurt so bad, I was willing to try, I told her to fill a Big Gulp cup with ice, and then fill it with wine coolers. It kinda worked, I was able to be sociable, but still very sick. I knew my body finally had enough, it would not allow me to further abuse it. I thought maybe getting some fresh air and a change of scenery, so we all went to the Thompson river. I had envisioned a nice sandy beach, nice cool pools to dive into, I knew that would rejuvenate me. As soon as we arrived at the river, I saw death, dead fish everywhere, the river was at an all time low, we had walked for what seemed forever. They sat about a football field away from the river, it was like sitting in the middle of a desert, the river was only a mirage.

I asked them. “If I continue to walk.” Pointing at the river which was still a great distance away. “Can I dive into the river?...Or is it too shallow?” I was not happy, I had already stumbled over hundreds of river rocks, which made things slow going. Not to mention the heat was in the high thirties. There was nowhere to sit, but on dry hard rocks. My whole body felted badly bruised...

I could tell I was bumming the girls out, TNT insisted I try drinking, I am lively when drunk. Instead, I had become irritable, I was not my cheerful self, I wanted to be in her bedroom or somewhere in my tent...Alone. I felt I had been around women for too long, they were all driving me insane, I needed to get away. As much as I wanted to drink, I couldn't, the Big Gulp trick failed me, I even managed to drink a few beers, still I felt sick. TNT pulled the plug and suggested we walk back to her place, what was left of it, when I tried drinking again, we began to move her belongings to a storage unit. I was only available to pack the big heavy things, while I was in my coma, they packed everything around me. I would awake from time to time, to see the room become barer. Till finally it was time to pack up the bed that I was dying on. I seriously thought about asking the landlord to rent the suite to me, so we didn’t have to pack. That meant putting something in my name, that would make me traceable, not going to happen.

With no furniture in her suite, we had to sit on the hard floor, I was too sick to endure this.The kids were restless, in a place that had nothing, so the single mothers club decided to bring the kids to McDonald's. I chose to stay behind, big surprise. While they were gone, I needed an out, I was too sick and miserable, I was bringing everybody down with me. I was relieved when I managed to get a hold of my best friend, it seemed like forever since I last saw her.

To my amazement, she was in Kamloops, just minutes away. She came to pick me up, I felt bad for leaving the way I did, I didn’t leave a note or say good bye, another thing for TNT to torment me about. I deserve it! I grabbed my back pack and hiked to a location where I could easily be spotted. Just after picking me up, we ended up getting a room together, I ordered for some Chinese food. We laid on the bed enjoying the TV shows and not worrying about anything. It was peaceful, it was quiet, I didn’t even want a drink. I felt I had a shot at sobering up, even though, I felt I could die at any second. I showed my best friend my shaky hands, I also found it difficult to speak, unable to string sentences together. My thoughts were fogged right out, there was no train, it had left without me. I stuck with what I knew, eating Chinese food and watching TV. Even that didn’t go well, I could not concentrate on the TV, I found it hard to enjoy my food. It tasted like pure salt...

When you are as fragile as I was, simplicity is key. Start by this simple exercise, breathe in...breathe out...repeat. After a year of isolation, I realized each breath is a countdown to my final breath. All I knew for sure was...I went to Alberta to die...I came back to British Columbia feeling worse than when I left. I had nothing left, I could not come up with a plan... I needed more sober time... Where though? We only had the room for a night, I needed to come up with a plan. I would need another place to camp...

Oh! TNT texted me. "I can't believe you left without saying good bye...Again! ..Well, I guess it wouldn't be you if you had...Take care...Love u!"

Just a part of Chapter 6....

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